Closets

I think we all have closets we need to come out of.

Your closet maybe telling someone you love her or him for the first time or telling someone that you're pregnant or telling someone that you have cancer or any of the other hard conversations that we have throughout our lives. All a closet is, is a hard conversation. And although our topics may vary tremendously, the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal. It is scary and we hate it and it needs to be done.

So like many of us I've lived in a few closets in my life and inside, in the dark you can't tell what color the walls are, you just know what it feels like to live in a closet. So really, my closet is no harder than yours but here's the thing, hard is not relative, hard is hard.
Who can tell me that explaining to someone that you just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone that you just cheated on them. Who can tell me that admitting to having a mental wellness issue like depression or anxiety is harder than telling your five year old that you're getting a divorce.

There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard, to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.

At some point in our lives, we all live in closets and they make us feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live, even though my closet door is still shut, locked, with rusty hinges.

So why is coming out of any closet, why is having that conversation, why is it so hard? Because they're stressful, we're so concerned about the reaction of the other person and understandably. Will they be angry? Sad? Disappointed? Will we lose a friend? A parent? A spouse? These kinds of conversations cause of stress.
Stress is a natural reaction in your body, when you encounter a perceived threat. Keyword, perceive. Your hypothalamus sounds the alarm and adrenalin and cortisol start coursing through your veins. This is known as Fight or Flight. Sometimes you rumble, sometimes you run. And this is a totally normal reaction. And comes from a time when that threat was being chased by a woolly mammoth.

The problem is your hypothalamus has no idea whether you're being chased by a woolly mammoth or if your computer just crashed or if your in-laws just showed up on your doorstep or if you're about to jump out of a place or you need to tell someone you love that you have depression. The difference is the woolly mammoth chases you for what, maybe ten minutes? Not having those hard conversations that can go on for years and your body just can't handle that. Chronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol, disrupt almost every system in your body, which can lead to deeper anxiety, deeper depression, and heart disease, just to name a few.

When you do not have hard conversations, when you keep the truth about yourself a secret, you're essentially holding a grenade. Me, I am frozen by fear, curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet, clutching my depression grenade, and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever considered, and I have a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do. I could go back to my closet and talk the talk, and refuse to walk the walk – because it is too scary, or I could try to talk to somebody other than my doctor – a co-worker or even start a blog. What else can you ask someone to do but try? If you're going to be real with someone, you got to be ready to be real in return. So hard conversations are still not my strong suit, but I'm getting better and I know WHAT I have to do WHEN I decide to do it.

Number one, be authentic. I have to take the armor off, be myself, I don’t always be ready for battle. Stupid hypothalamus.

Number two, be direct, just say it, rip the Band-Aid off. Since I know that I am depressed, I just need to say it. If I tell my spouse, friends, family that I might have a mental wellness issue, they may not understand the nuances of “mental wellness issue”, but they WILL understand DEPRESSION.

Number three, and most important, be unapologetic. I need to speak my truth, without apology

Some folks may have gotten hurt along the way by my behavious, so I will sure apologize for what I've done. But I will never apologize for who I am. Some folks maybe scared, angry or disappointed but that is on them. Not on me. Those are their expectations of who I am, not mine. That is their story, not mine. The only story that matters is the one that I want to write.

The next time that you find yourself in a pitch black closet, clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. Some of us are still there. You may feel so very alone but you are not. We know it’s hard but we need you out here, no matter what you're walls are made of. Because I guarantee you, that there are others peering through the keyhole of their closet, looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open so be that person.

And show the world that we are bigger than our closets. And that a closet is no place for a person to truly live.

When I bust out of my closet, holding my depression grenade – I will let you know.